Christmas is fast approaching and I don't feel at all Christmassy this year. I have managed to fit in my Christmas shopping in between going to the dialysis unit. It really eats into your time having to go 3 times a week into the hospital.
I had a very interesting conversation with someone yesterday; he felt that there was a lot of emphasis on transplanted patients and those who are on the list when there is in fact a lot of patients who have no chance of a transplant and will be on dialysis for ever.
I have to agree with him and we must make sure that dialysis is as painless and as easy as possible. We need to improve the dialysis units comfort and surroundings and the transport to and from the units could be vastly improved for many patients.
This is something that definitely needs to be brought up in the patients rally in January, I hope that as many people as possible are able to attend.
Merry Christmas to you all.

I have been completely rubbish at keeping up with this blog recently. All I can say is sorry. Life just seems to be escaping me at the moment no sooner have I been to the unit and had my dialysis that I am going back there for the next session. I seemed to do much more with my time when I dialysed at home. That is probably because when I do it at home I don't settle down on the machine until at the earliest 6pm and so I have much more of the day to get things done.
I am just so fed up with driving at the moment, I have clocked up an amazing 1115 miles since Nick left and that is only in 6 weeks. My poor car is going to conk out with exhaustion let alone how I am feeling. I just feel tired all the time and I am finding it increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do even the simplest of tasks. I am just so grateful to my Mum for helping me with the hoovering and with my laundry. That sounds pathetic I know, a 38 year old woman having her mother doing her laundry but I feel as if I am fighting a loosing battle and all I want is to have massive re-enforcements come from the flank and win the war! Anyone have a magic wand handy?
Anyway Merry Christmas.

I am feeling a bit low this past few days, I am recovering from a bought of tonsillitis. It felt as if I had swallowed 2 golf balls and I am sure some one stole my voice and replaced it with someone else's because although it has come back it is still very croaky.
To be completely honest I am very upset because of this infection I had to miss my first WKPA meeting and a weekend at my friends in Norfolk. Isn't it always the same; when ever you are really looking forward to things something usual comes along to spoil it. I know it is because I am so tired and run down with all the traveling I am doing back and forth to the hospital and my parents house. I am feeling so exhausted and I don't ever seem to catch up with myself.When I am tired like tonight I can't sleep and end up feeling even worse the next day. Oh well there's no point moaning about it; moaning about it won't change anything so I'd better just sign off and try and get some sleep. Goodnight or should I say good morning?

It has been an awful day today not only am I feeling incredibly low in my self because my fistula appears to be swollen and is incredibly sore. They have sent some blood tests away to make sure there is no infection there. I can only hope that everything comes back clear as that vein is literally and figuratively my life line. Without that would have to have a Hickman line inserted into my shoulder (which make you susceptible to infections). Then s telephone call came through to the office in Museum Place (the Kidney Wales Foundation Offices) to say that some brainless moron had vandalized the Donor Stone. I felt physically sick to think that some idiot had taken it upon them selves to desecrate the memory and love from all those people and families that the stone is dedicated too. I can not print what I think of people who do things like that. It is senseless. It was even more insulting because they couldn't even be bothered to be imaginative or literate! How would they like people to go into their homes and damage their belongings or to ruin something they had worked hard to achieve was so callously damaged. I can only hope that the graffiti can be removed and that people can eradicate it from their memories and only see the good the Stone has achieved.
There was a programme on tonight about a man from Porthcawl going to the Philippines to buy a kidney. He commented that he doesn't think people can make a moral judgement if they haven't been in his situation. Well I am in the situation and I can make a moral judgement and if he values the lives of other human beings that little that he is willing to risk not only their life but his own and he can look at himself in the mirror afterwards then so be it. Having said that I still do not think it is right what he is doing. As I have said many times, this is only my opinion and people are welcome to answer me and discuss this.

I hope that I will be excused for my erratic postings recently, I am still finding it hard to get into some sort of routine that I can love with for the next 4 months. I have driven over 500 miles in the last 2 weeks! I seem to be permanently on the road either driving to the hospital or my Parent's house. People are under the illusion that I can not possibly be on my own after dialysis. OK I don't feel like running a marathon or for a bus, if I'm honest however I don't need nursing either. All I want to do after I come off the machine is go to bed and sleep. I drive myself to and from the hospital which amazes some people but I am damned if I am waiting around for an ambulance car to pick me up 3 hours before I have to be there and then wait when I come off the machine for a taxi to take me home again. If I used the hospital provided transport I have calculated it would add a possible 3 hours onto my time. I have better things to do with my time than to wait around in Suite 19 of UHW. Which if anyone is interested could do with a serious face lift.
I believe all places of treatment should be as comfortable as possible, however this is not the case in reality. There is always a lack of space in hospitals but to have a waiting room for patients that has wheelchairs taking up the majority of the room and chairs that are hard on the rear I think is wrong. I know it would take money to put it right and that money just isn't there. I get the feeling that renal services are the poor relation of the health service along with geriatric services. Oh I'm ranting again. Sorry. Enough from me for now.

I am having a really bad day today, I was alright when I woke up in my Mum's house this morning it's just that it seems to have gone down hill from there. I feel sick and I've got a sore throat and head ache. I think I've got the on set of a cold because it can't be flu cause I've already had the jab. On top of all this anything and everything is starting me crying today. My God I'm pathetic and I am really getting cross with myself but unfortunately it doesn't stop these feelings. I just wish I could eat something and enjoy it. I am completely fed up with my dietary restrictions at the moment. I seem to go through phases where I won't mind it for months and then bang it gets boring and bland and all you want is to be able to go into a restaurant and order whatever you fancy without having to scrutinise it for banned foodstuffs. Roll on Transplant Number 3 it can't come soon enough. 3 years I've been waiting and I know other people have waited longer but I feel I am missing out on what should be the best years of my life and so is Nick because his life is restricted as well.
Oh I am being a moaner today I'm sorry, I'm not normally so down in the dumps but I'm just having a bad day. I'd better go and lock myself away so I don't depress anyone else.Bye

This will be my third attempt to put this post on today, my computer is being a pain in the neck!
Well another week gone - hooray! I don't often wish time away but every day that passes is another day closer to Nick coming home. That also means no more hospital dialysis (double hooray!). Don't get me wrong, it is not that they are bad or that I don't like the nurses and staff at UHW because they are great and they have been so caring it's unbelievable. It is just that I hate having to stick to a set routine of every Mon, Wed, and Fri @ 4pm I have to go to the hospital. I have a busy life apart from dialysis and having to drop everything and rearrange things is a pain. But I shouldn't grumble. As I said the staff at UHW dialysis unit have been fantastic and they all know Nick and have been asking after him and asking if I'm OK. They are a wonderful group of people who do a difficult job in not very easy circumstances because I am sure they are beset by the problems that seem to be faced by everyone in a "caring profession" these days. That is one thing I don't miss about teaching - the paper work, oh the endless paper work.
I am going to try and post this now 0 if you are reading it I have been successful, if you are not reading this my computer will be in the back garden via an open window!